I. I don’t know how / You were inverted

Being an old Beatles fan I knew this song all my life. And yet, this version, played by great late Jeff Healey, gave me a different insight into its tune and lyrics. In original it is a cry, a moan, a lament (in the early version George sings “And I’m sitting here doing nothing but aging”). In Jeff’s version, it pushes through the boundaries, it drives you forward, it turns into an anthem.

And then I caught myself playing with the concept of inversion that this song features (including guitar solos that replace the vocal outro). I have been trained as a literary scholar, and the word “inversion” – both in Russian and English – reminds me of endless versification courses, where you would often note – this is the inversion, and it means so and so. Personally, I love inversions in writing though the lack of natural language intuition constantly challenges me.  When you invert words and phrases you do not follow everyone’s path going against the current.

II. Just a small-town girl, living in a lonely world, she took the midnight train going anywhere – Journey, ‘Don’t Stop Believing’

 

Close your eyes and relive how as a little girl you imagined the  American 1980s: bright streets, shop windows, colors, disco parties, stadium rock shows, cool clothing, and blue jeans. Record shops bursting with favorite music, where you can spend hours (and fortune!). The past that never happened.

Also: standing on a platform watching the trains passing by. It is summertime, the concrete feels warm under your feet, and you are engulfed by this special railroad smell of creosote and dust. Green and sometimes blue trains are racing by, with a gush of wind and noise, and people are peeking through the lowered windows.  And you are dreaming of jumping on one of them, leaving everything behind, to the sea and mountains that you never saw in your life, to different colors and smells, into the unknown.

III. A shadow of a man I used to be – Brian May, ‘Too Much Love Will Kill You’

These words, chosen by my friend as a theme for this mini-essay, always strike me, right into my heart. For me, Brian’s lyrics are true poetry, because he has a gift of putting his emotions into beautiful and poetic and yet very exact words. But even among Brian’s saddest songs, this one is special; it is a confession, a warning, a lament that describes the emotional state of a very particular person, and yet, encompasses the whole world, making this cry relatable to anyone who ever endured a loss.

These words have been on my mind for almost a week; I keep on playing them, turning them around, trying to put my own emotions and associations in line with this beautiful line. I think of the realm of shadows, the kingdom of Hades, where only shadows (or shades) dwell; I think of an old belief that our shadow is, in fact, our soul; and I try to put these thoughts together with the song. It is about loss – but not the loss of soul; it is still there, perhaps, the only thing left; and yet, it gives rise to hope that one day the wound will heal, and strength will return to you.

IV. Barefoot girls dancin’ in the moonlight… – Creedence Clearwater Revival, ‘Green River’

The rhythms of my young years: the music of the 1960s, with its own special tone and mood, and running barefoot all summer, no matter if I had grass, dirt, or gravel beneath my feet. Feeling dreamy all the time – walking around,  getting splinters in my feet, and then pulling them out. The combination of summer months, warm ground, sun, and music in my ears – that’s probably one of the few things that I feel nostalgic about.

To fully experience summer I need to be barefoot; to fully grasp a tune I need to play it over and over again until it becomes embedded into my mental playlist; and then, images start coming up. I see two layers of associations, the first being my own past, the second one belonging to the times when this song was recorded. Interestingly, even before I looked up the history of this band, I felt Californian sun coming out, with the tanned figures of young people sitting around the campfire, and distant humming of the ocean somewhere in the distance. As I put these two associations together, I get a stereo effect, and everything becomes tangible and real.

V. You laugh at every joke, drag your blanket blindly, fill your heart with smoke…and the first thing that you want will be the last thing you’ll ever need. That’s how you fight it – Wilco, ‘How to Fight Loneliness’

Rock music constitutes an essential part of my personality, and because of that, I am usually able to attribute a song to a certain decade, judging by its tune, arrangement, and even lyrics. I did not know Wilco’s “How to Fight Loneliness” but even before I checked the date of its release I felt the 1990s vibes coming out of this minimalism, acoustic guitars and the strict and precise vocals of a lead singer. It made me think of how time leaves its trace on everything – people, literature, buildings, and – music.

The mood and message of this song remind me most of all of  Paul McCartney’s “Too Much Rain” that has similarly piercing lyrics (“Laugh when your eyes are burning, smile when your heart is filled with pain”), both of them being very relatable to my own emotional experience. Written in the form of guidelines or even instructions (“laugh at every joke, drag your blanket blindly <…>  that’s how you fight it”), this poem hides pain  under the guise of “coping techniques.” In fact, no redemption is offered, you are slowly poisoned from the inside by suffering, your smile turns into a maniacal grin, and your heart, engulfed in smoke, makes you feel like an automaton.

VI. Just a perfect day
You made me forget myself
I thought I was
Someone else, someone good- Lou Reed, ‘Perfect Day’

Whatever Lou Reed had in mind –  an experience of a drug addict or, according to his own words, “this guy has a vision of a perfect day <…> – meant just what I said” – I know that this song is about an illusion, a dream that numbs the pain, blocks the routine out. A fog that surrounds you for a while, giving a fleeting feeling of comfort and happiness. However, the wind blows, the apparition dissolves, and the veil falls off. What are you left with? The faint echo of what it was to be like “someone else, someone good.”

I was always entranced with the rhythm of a waltz, with the tune that flows like ocean tides, with the chorus that makes you gasp in awe because of the power of the melody and the tragic tone of Reed’s voice. Like many others, for a  long time, I associated this song with the chilling scene of an overdose in “Trainspotting,” when the protagonist, in his near-death experience, is swallowed by the floor he is lying on. But I am not haunted by this image anymore – rather, I see the alleys of the Central Park in NYC, trees swaying gently to the wind gusts… and someone who dreams of seeing this in the real life. I know that sometimes, though not always, that person is me.

VII. When I’m gone
No need to wonder if I ever think of you
The same moon shines
The same wind blows
For both of us, and time is but a paper moon…
Be not gone – Queen, ‘Teo Torriatte’

Depending on how I feel, my emotional reaction on “Teo Torriatte” ranges from deep sadness to utter happiness. That’s how it is written, arranged, and sung, with the sense of love and harmony on the one hand, and the grief about an inevitable separation and mortality on the other. Nothing will change when we are gone, and yet the beauty of the world will prevail. This is a night song: I can see a figure sitting on a edge of a hill, gazing at the dark sky,  sadly musing on all things that will eventually pass.

Early morning hours, everyone is still asleep, and I am clinging to my headphones  to catch the QAL show broadcasted by fellow fans from another side of the world, listening to this special song performed for the audience that was the first and foremost inspiration of “Teo Torriatte.” I am thinking of the long-lasting love between Queen and Japan, starting from the 1970s, with this wonderful country recognizing the band before the rest of the world, up to this day, when the children and grandchildren of these fans are still rejoicing and singing along the words of everlasting love.

To be continued…

Katya Neklyudova, 2020

Rock On